Week 39

This is a terribly blurry photo....I'll get another one up later in the week.  But I didn't want the week to go by without the post.  This one is called "It's Okay to be Alone"....I thought about painting these words onto the canvas, but then decided not to.  I've actually been writing some messages on the backs of canvases...this is one that I went that route on instead. 

On a very personal note....since this blog is all about my 40th year...this has not been an easy week.  And I've indeed left very alone.  It's hard to explain it since I seem to be a very happy, upbeat, glass half full person most of the time.  And I am, most of the time.  But everyone has a breaking point.  And this month of the year for many years is mine.  The holidays are beyond stressful for my heart and soul.  I take everything to heart.  And this time of year it feels like I am always wearing the "kick me" sign on my back. 

Growing up our holidays were always so full of joy and family.  My Dad is an only child so his mother always came to us.  My Mother's family was all in town except one sister who'd drive up the day after to all be with us.  We'd all get together for a giant LOUD meal.  I remember the day would last what seemed an eternity.  Loads of laughter, singing, joy, eating and of course lots of church.  Now I am 40 with my own family.  My parents are now divorced.  My brother-in-law is divorced.  I am the only daughter-in-law on my husband's side.  I am the oldest on my side.  I want to make everyone happy and allow for equal amount of time with our family.  But sometimes I feel I am compromising so much that my own happiness and time with my family gets lost in the shuffle of this monster of a holiday.  This week I was told the following:    "Well, you certainly are making an effort to all be with .....but not with me....."  "Well, no one seems to care about our Christmas together, so I am just not going to bother either.  Ya'll just come when you can."  "When can we get together before Christmas?"  "Why can't you just come here?"  etc...etc.....  Our Christmas will never ever be the same.  Ever.  We can't be just one happy family all together because these people can't be in the room with these and those can't be in the room with those. 

So I told Billy the other night to expect to see more wine bottles in the recycle bin than usual.  And that when I say, "I gotta take a run"...you know I need to do just that.  Clear my head.  Get it together.  And enjoy what precious few years I have left with Mailey and William at home.  I try not to vent in front of them, but inevitably they hear my stress.  And it upsets them.  This is not what Christmas is about.  It isn't.  It's really about a gift that was given to us that none of us even deserve.  And honestly the only thing Billy and I ever really want to do on Christmas is attend our own church, soak in the words of our kind preacher, let me sing my little heart out, take communion together as a family unit and leave the church by candlelight preparing our hearts for a new year.  That's all.  We won't be doing that this year BTW.  Long story.  Well, longer than the one I've already shared.  It's okay though.  In the end everyone will share more than one loud meal together.  There will be laughter, joy and church.  Most importantly, we'll all be together.  In bits and pieces mind you, and across two states.  But our time together is a gift I will never ever take for granted.  And I'd much rather be with all my crazy family than alone.